Investigation into the root of desire

Tonight I'm really stupid:
I'm fucked up,
I can hardly think,
I feel ill,
I'm swearing!
This must be bad.

But listen, this just may be good, ie. very revealing:

Maybe its at times like these that I am most true to reality:
Less enthusiastically optimistic, more dear to the harsh tragic pessimism that comes hand in hand with the true nature of human existence in suffering.

Its the struggle between optimism and pessimism, the latter of which has at this moment taken over once again: perhaps all optimism is an illusion intended to avoid, escape from, reject in any way possible the tragedy and pathos that, being the true reality, is ineluctably inescapable. We try to justify our motivation, perserverance, diligence towards attaining our goals by truly believing that they will certainly inevitably be attained, for why try if you don't believe you'll attain them? Moreover we fail to realize that life is suffering in struggling to attain goals that if attained bring boredom and the desire to attain new goals etc... All because desire always, albeit subconsciously, desires desire. Perhaps knowing this leads us to overcome desire by our ceasing to desire desire and hence the eradication of desire external to need. We must enjoy what we need to have and have to want, in order to do this. We must be able to switch our desire on and off, the former for pleasure or if necessary, the latter for prudence (in postponing gratification for greater(more intense), however brief, pleasure upon fulfillment - an illusion unavoidably leading to boredom - or because now, in difficulty, is not the time to be yearning avoiding reality struggling: it is unaffordable) or to avoid pain(in wanting something we can't have, or forever something new)

or because, and this might seem strange (and confused although I can't seem to express it), suffering and being optimistic, wanting to avoid pain, we think it better to not expect to attain, to perservere without wanting, perhaps to be proud of our hard work indifferent to the outcome - like enjoying the process towards the goal's attainment irrespective of whether it is attained, and I say better to not want to attain the goal so as to avoid disappointment but all along only want to enjoy the process and be proud of your diligence:

but here we are still wanting even if what we are wanting is to not want to want, or simply to not want anymore: we must want to think to think, to do to do, to not want or even to want: we have to want to want to not want to want (to want to not want to want to want...) - but that doesn't make sense: it's like saying we have to want in order to and at the same time as not wanting; while it means that we CAN not want, so long as we want, which can mean that we're not really not wanting because we have to want to not want, or that we CAN not want because we get what we want, um, I forget: I guess now I really believe that believing in the ability to not want is actually silly because you always have to want at the same time as not wanting in order to not want which you can't do because wanting to not want is still wanting and you can not not want without wanting (to want) to not want, which means that having to want to want in order to want to not want shows that you can only want to not want and never not want: the goal of not wanting can never be attained because you have to want to attain that goal: it is an asymptotic curve that never reaches but always gets closer to its goal, which, therefore, being unattainable, must be canceled out.

I guess this only proves that you CAN not want to want but to no avail because you have to want to do this. And/Or that you cannot want to not want without actually wanting, which means that you actually want if/when you don't want to want, namely to not want to want, and again the above.

In English: if I don't want to want a new pair of shoes I probably am fighting with the fact that I want them so badly and I wouldn't be fighting unless I really wanted to stop myself from wanting these shoes: I have to want (to fight - to not want) if I don't want to want the shoes anymore. Or more simply, in order to not want something you have to want to not want that something. Hence, if what you don't want is to want, you have to want to not want to want; so, you cannot not want to want but only want to not want to want; therefore trying to not want to want is pointless for we will always ineluctably want: not wanting itself is a goal we can never reach for we have to want to do this: you can never reach not wanting from wanting:

Finally, to end a long, truthful, dull, simple, but to the heart endeavor with a provocative but surely ludicrous statement,

perhaps we can never not want anything: perhaps we want everything but some things less than others: we cannot avoid wanting and therefore wanting to want(even to not want - the paradox, asymptote, whatever), an insatiable desire to desire that leaves out nothing: if we have to want to not want something we nevertheless put desire into that object, the desire to not desire that object, but if we cannot not desire, but only desire not to desire, never reaching the absence of desire(destination) riding in desire(vehicle), we have to want everything just each to its own degree.

Then perhaps we want to not want to want more than anything, for wanting inherently and unavoidably brings about suffering: but this we can never attain, which is like saying that we suffer at a deeper and more intense level because we cannot not suffer.

This is what it means to say we all want what we cannot attain, freedom from suffering through freedom from desire which (being inescapable) causes suffering because it wants what it cannot attain, freedom from suffering through freedom from desire which...(repeat).

Whereas, I've just realized, it is possible to not want, namely what you already possess. So can it therefore be possible to not want what you don't already have?

More importantly, if you must necessarily not want what you already have, unless you want to take hold of or use it for a particular reason, and you already have want, perhaps you can not want want (or TO want?) without wanting to. But perhaps you subconsciously want to not want what you already have, namely want, or else want is always something you take hold of or use to do or think anything, in which case in the case of want itself you cannot not want it even though you already possess it.

Perhaps want itself never ceases because even though we possess what we wanted there is always more to possess and want is never satisfied because it always wants more in addition to itself which is why it wants more. So I guess in conclusion we must say the simple truth that we may cease wanting things that we previously wanted (can we say we do not necessarily want everything because some things may not bring us pleasure - another topic - but pain? But wanting itself brings us pain because it can never attain all the things it wants, namely everything and what it cannot possibly have, so we do not want to want because it brings us pain, while we have to want this, bringing us more pain: so, I presume, we have to want pain as well because we have to want to not want pain, but if we already have pain from simply having to want, we cannot want pain anymore other than to use it: because we have desire we have pain which we can't desire because we already have it! This is the reason why pain is pain, why we can't enjoy suffering, why all is either suffering or boredom, like they say, and if you already possess suffering - there is no suffering - you must be constantly bored. If boredom is painful life is tragic, if I can learn to somehow enjoy, appreciate, accept, overcome, justify, argue out of it, life is inherently joyous: I guess we can say that boredom can nurture patience which creates magnanimity, but that is ethical, meaning that those who react against boredom are more often criminals than those who learn patience from it - but when we are not attempting to satisfy our needs we are bored, even novel things are inherently boring because we have to want to do them and it is boring to want. Perhaps this is the key to not wanting: eventually we just get bored of wanting and stop wanting without wanting to! But then would not wanting also get boring? No because without wanting there is no boredom, just peace: so to summarize, we are always bored because we already have suffering, given to us by desire's wants and inescapability - and when you have something you cannot want it - but then boredom overcomes desire by becoming bored of it and ends desire in turn ending boredom: the circle collapses on itself! Now I find myself in a position entirely free and at peace to wait for death in peace. But a gray area has arisen: what is the difference between want and need? Where is the line drawn? I have now found myself feeling as if I need things that I really only want because I have become accustomed to luxuries. And I feel as if I need the things that I am already addicted to. Then there is the medium between want and need, the have to want, sex, which we have to want because the biological purpose of our lives embedded in our very nature is to reproduce, to copy and pass on our DNA: if reproduction was simply a want I would no longer want it, I would be bored of it before having ever reproduced, but it only becomes a want after you feel you have had enough children, or do we inherently never feel as if we've had enough children? But, having not yet copied my DNA I feel the need, or the have to want (to have to have), children and hence everything that could help or contribute to my finding a mate, having and raising children, would become a have to want (possibly here even to have to have) - nearly but not needs - and would still be wanted/needed irrespective of the eradication of desire by boredom. This category would encompass most goals and quite a fair bit of other stuff (requiring unselfish intentions), reduced once you have found a mate (clothes), but not everything: life becomes a struggle again, to find a suitable mate and reproduce. But this if and only if you don't believe reproduction to be simply a want but more. This is why we do what we do, desire what we desire, how we subconsciously eradicate silly desires and the desire to desire alongside, How we/to find peace, and only suffer if you cannot fulfill your needs or your have to wants, while enjoying the process nevertheless. It appears as if if you were to believe replication through reproduction to be simply a want and therefore something you don't want, life would be very simple: remember, enjoy the process! The greatest interlude ever!) but now possess while we must necessarily want more and more to satisfy our desire to continuously have desire, unless we get bored: The key to peace when nurtured with patience and treated with respect.

In a short poem:

As the taxis drive by my window searching hopelessly for fares:

Bored of desire,
The root of my boredom,
All annulled!
Suffering vanishes
Waiting is peace
Patience unto death